This was a blog I wrote in 2017 right after I blew my entire life up in a spectacular fashion. My marriage and relationship of 18 years came to a screeching halt (yes, screeching) and with that came the end of how I supported myself with work. My beloved gym that I created was about to change hands, out of mine and into his. Ouch. The loss of it still makes my heart hurt even though much brighter things have shown up.
My life is still not quite pieced neatly back together. My career has been a revolving door with continuing education, rebranding and learning how to be a real business (apparently just being an awesome coach is not enough.) I doubt it will ever be neat and tidy again. That’s just not a great fit for my Aquarian heart even though my Taurus Sun would love a little bit more security. The paradox is still playing out however I know the solution is in living a unique story that works only for me. I continue to commit to being brave enough to stick to the mission even though most of my previous tribe has left the building in frustration. (It’s messy transforming literally every. single. thing. People get tired of watching it and I do not blame them).
I post this because I am a coach. I know how to transform. This is one of the first steps in my latest transformation. I will write more about the other steps at some point. I’m too busy creating a coaching career that supplies coaching at reasonable rates, deeping my astrology practice (it is the ROADMAP to change), and teaching Somatic Experiencing Trauma Therapy (SE) in a way that makes sense in a short period of time (SE is the KEY to changing away from self-sabotage!)
I hope this blog inspires… someone.
If you need some help with a transformation- I’m your gal. (Currently Lucky isn’t taking new clients, he’s too busy playing HARD or resting on his couch HARDER).
First chat is free- just saying. Love, Angela
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This has always been the Plan
I did a shamanic journey in July 2017. Wow. Just. Wow.
The journey was done with drumming as I was in the final resting pose on my yoga mat. Sonia had explained before we began that if we moved faster or slower than she was leading during the journey just to go with that and not to worry. It is very a good thing she said that because when we started, I realized I was with Lucky. As you can imagine, we were not waiting around. As she was leading us out of this beautiful canyon by way of some switchbacks, Lucky insisted that we skip the switchbacks and almost immediately, we just left our bodies and became spirits in the sky looking down with a new perspective. (That dog… he’s so eager to get anywhere new FAST)
As we were looking down, I began to weep from the incredible gift of this new point of view. My struggles seemed different… less overwhelming somehow. As Lucky and I were floating effortlessly, he told me this, “I came back to do this with you. This has been the plan all along.”
This has been the plan all along. This message was so comforting at the time. I felt a sense of peace starting in my being. I also began to feel a very deep sense of loss. It was clear that there was no more waiting, wondering, trying (and failing), or stalling.
As I’ve gone through this last week which has felt like 85 days at least, I am so thankful I recorded this journey on paper and talked about it. Because as soon as my rational mind kicked in, I have thought, surely this CANNOT be the plan. I could have done better. I should have taken more action sooner. This is way too messy to be the plan. My ego is out in full force convincing me that I could have prevented the pain by somehow being more… I don’t know what… but more. Maybe just more brave so I could be more honest. More … something… surely…. come ON!
But here’s the thing that I know in my head and that is slowly seeping into my heart: I do believe this has been the plan all along. I realize that life is full of messiness when you are questioning, wondering, seeking and believing. Sometimes you make an absolute mess of it because you just can’t do it better. First, there are the comforts that will be taken away and that certainly puts the brakes on things sometimes (at least it has for me). Then there are the conversations that need to be spoken which are hard, ugly and uncomfortable which again makes it tempting just to skip it and stay with the denial. Sometimes you have to make a mess that will not allow any turning back. All of a sudden, you are forced to leap.
And by the way, there is never a good time for the big mess that catapults you forward into the great scary unknown. As soon as you are out there hanging in space not certain of any sort of soft landing, you are failing with the arms wondering what in the holy hell you were thinking.
This has been the plan all along. It makes me believe in a power greater than myself. Whether you connect to that power through the help of a Shaman, Preacher, Minister, Priest, AA, Nature or your Plotthound, all that matters is that you do connect and trust in the lessons you are learning.
The truly heartbreaking part is that sometimes other people become your lessons and no matter how much you try to prevent it, you become theirs.
Believing that this has been the plan all along is back to giving me hope. As I face this weekend alone, ready to look at the loss, the hurt, and the fear, I know that my soul signed up for this. I agreed to this on some level. If I stay awake, if I continue to forgive everyone involved (including myself), if I ask for Love to be here with me guiding me, I know that I can accept that this plan is for the highest good of all even though at the moment… that is a big fat reach.
THIS WEEK: If there is something that continues to appear as a challenge in your life that is calling for transformation then take a line from Lucky and imagine that “This has been the Plan all along”. You were meant to be challenged. You were meant to face choices and consequences and most of all, sometimes, yes, you were meant to make a mess. Maybe knowing that will create the space to do what your soul wants you to do.
Thank you for all the love this week- Angela